Rant about Finding the Right Medication

At this point in time, it’s been about three weeks since my last final, and it is safe to say that at this point I feel relaxed and extremely unstressed. My marks aren’t the best, but I will try to push that out of my mind so I can enjoy my summer.

Lately I’ve been looking for volunteer research positions in some sort of lab setting, because I have, from my biochemistry courses, read through enough research papers and been taught enough biochemical techniques that I just am itching to use some of them in real life. But being of a mainly physics background puts me at a rather large disadvantage from my peers in my biochemistry courses, who are either majoring or specializing in biochemistry for the most part. The fact that my anti-psychotic medication makes me oversleep does not help in that regard.

Sometimes I do wonder if I should have gone into neuroscience. Not so much as having a “sob story” to reference to, but rather because one of the reasons I am in looking to pursue a career in biological sciences is so that I can help in some regard in the health care industry. I guess in some regards becoming a nurse or a doctor would be more ideal in terms of helping others, but I love academics a lot, particularly physics, and I definitely know I want to pursue a more academic career versus a practical one. I always tell my friends that when I graduate, I just want a “9-5 job”, but to be honest I have no clue what kind of job I want when I graduate. I was sort of hoping that in grad school I would get an epiphany and suddenly know exactly what I want to do in life.

I guess in the end I should count my blessings. I should just be happy I am where I am at the moment. To be honest, I am lucky to be at a great, relatively prestigious university (if you are curious, it’s the University of Toronto) and have my eyes set on grad school. I’ve been able to learn the coolest things in biochemistry, physics, and to some extent, mathematics. Not to sound to corny, but this experience has really opened me up to a whole new world.

Thinking about this reminds me of when I was on the psych ward. I remember some of the other patients complaining about why they shouldn’t be taking their medication. I’ve heard many so called “reasons” from other patients, from “they make me fat” to “I’m so drowsy that I can’t function”, etc. Ironically the fact is these are valid complaints. The first side effect the psychiatrist tells you when putting you on anti-psychotics is that it may cause both drowsiness and weight gain. I remember when I was first put on Seroquel (quetiapine) I was so drowsy I couldn’t function in day-to-day life. I even remembering going a field trip in my high school French class and I fell asleep the first 30 minutes into the movie Coco avant Chanel. I remember waking up at the end of the movie and had no clue what happened. I just remember Chanel sitting in some room after World War II (don’t ask for more details). Actually, looking back, I don’t even know why psychiatrists even prescribe Seroquel to anyone—it is used as a sleep medication due to its potency in making you miss out on your entire life. I am beyond glad that it didn’t work for me, because I don’t know where I would be if I was still on it. I probably would have failed out of high school, much less get through university.

Looking back, I think about my journey to this moment here and now. I think back to when I was in and out of the hospital for over a year and a half, which took up a huge chunk of my life. I even had to go to some stupid long-term psychiatric hospital and was so lonely there. I guess in the end the shining beacon is that I found a medication that worked and works for me—it doesn’t make me too drowsy and also prevents my psychosis enough to allow me to function in society. I still hallucinate but not often. I feel for all the schizophrenics who haven’t been through remission long enough to realize the importance of their medication. They just don’t realize what life is like without psychosis and get caught up in all the side effects. They believe that the voices are real, and because they are real, why bother with medication that isn’t necessary and is known to be detrimental to your health? I’ve been there and know how much of a trap this mindset is. The voices do feel real in psychosis—they just do.

I think that I just wanted to say that all-in-all, I am lucky. I am lucky that l ended up being put on a medication that works, even though I am aware of its side effects. I am lucky to be going to a good university, lucky that I have housing and that I have a good, foreseeable future. I am lucky that I am able to be where I am, and that I feel for everyone who is psychotic, constantly in and out of the psych ward, because they haven’t been well enough to see what life is like when you aren’t consumed by voices who you believe are real. I guess the worst part of it is, at least for me, is that in the end those voices, while they do communicate with you, don’t have the same feeling as company. I remember many months when I would ignore other people due to the voices and talking to them somehow never got rid of the void of the feeling of loneliness, that would be somewhat filled when talking to other, real people.